• Halloween Express recently caught a shoplifter. The punishment? The thief had to stand outside the store in a Bert (from Sesame Street) costume, holding a sign that read: I got caught shoplifting… Now. Does anyone else see the ineffectiveness of this? Or is it just me?

• Nothing rhymes with orange. Really. I’m not kidding.

• Everyone’s seen orange pumpkins – and probably green and white ones. But did you know there are actually blue pumpkins, too?

• The US spends an average of $2 billion on Halloween candy each year. Another $1.5 billion is spent on costumes, while $2.5 billion is spent on Halloween paraphernalia.

• Eighty-six billion Americans decorate their homes.

• Upwards of 93 percent of kids under 12 go trick-or-treating (that breaks down to roughly 36 million goblins). Ninety percent of adults admit to sneaking a piece or two of candy from their kids’  bags. I say that estimate is about 10 percent too low (Not that I would ever do that…)

• A rather unique program, launched this year by National Childrens Oral Health Foundation  is asking Americans to put a different spin on trick-or-treating, by collecting money for the tooth fairy: Trick or Treat for America’s Toothfairy(true story).

• If you’re in for a good joke, check out this list of Halloween howlers. On that note, I’ll  leave you with my favorite: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately. Muah-hahahaha.

Tell us how you’ll be celebrating this year! Just leave us a comment below!

-Liz

President Truman with the 1947 turkey, who wasn't lucky enough to be pardoned.

Yep, this is it – the day of days for the gobblers out there. The day when one lucky bird gets the ultimate gift: a pardon. Meanwhile an estimated 45 million will be landing on our dining room tables. For that, I am thankful.

Anywho, the presidential pardon will be given today. This whole pardoning thing began in 1989 with the elder George Bush, and has continued since. And two turkeys are pardoned, not one. (Think of it like the Miss America contest or something – if the winner can’t fulfill her duties, the alternate takes over…).

-Liz

Just for kicks here’s some Friday the 13th entertainment for you brought to you by MSNBC…

Here are five of our favorite Friday-the-13th facts:

1. Fear of Friday the 13th — one of the most popular myths in science — is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

2. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor and some airline terminals omit Gate 13.

3. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and President Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

4. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. “It was bad luck,” Twain later told the friend. “They only had food for 12.” Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

5. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number — 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

~msnbc.com

Really? Actually, really NOT! In fact, it wouldn’t take much doing to realize that the only thing you need for this to happen is for the Friday to fall on the first of any month with 31 days. And let’s face it – that’s not such an oddity. In fact, check the month of January in the year … 2010!

Moreover, looking forward to next July (wait for it…) it happens again!

So this led me to wondering just how gullible we’ve become. Oh, sure. I’ve known that many people have been easily persuaded to believe outright lies in the political arena and others, but come on, people – this is pretty pathetic. Because after my daughter told me this, I saw it posted on at least four other Facebook statuses from people I would otherwise believe to be quite intelligent.

Which is when I feel it necessary to stress the importance of doing your own homework. Seriously, if you hadn’t already figured it out for yourself, how hard would it have been? Unfortunately, it’s way too easy to be of the mindset that if so-and-so said it, it must be true. Or to simply say to ourselves, “well, that’s a pretty cool factoid.” Clearly, at least in this case, it is not.

Of course it’s a different story if you’re talking about date palindromes, like 10-10-10 (which just happened to be yesterday). We all know that’s a once-every-hundred-year occurrence… isn’t it?!?

Ah, now you’re thinking, aren’t you?

-Liz

And if you thought I was over-reacting, check this out. Boston is now considering banning all sugary drinks in city-owned buildings in an effort to make the world more healthy. Apparently they’re convinced that even the mere existence of these drinks poses a danger to society, according to the story:

The presence of calorie-rich drinks has government agencies worried about the health of employees and visitors to government agencies.

Those poor government employees. Not smart enough to grab a bottle of water, apparently. Unable to resist the lure of the evil sodas, energy drinks and sugary fruit juices. Really? What’s next? Mandatory work-outs to improve the employees cardio-vascular health? Heads of lettuce to replace the ol’ Three Musketeers bar? Just who is the government to tell you what to eat or drink? Do they know better than you? I think not. The sad part, though, is that such moves are made in the name of the common good, and totally ignore the individual. They work on the presumption that you’re too stupid to make decisions about your own life, so they’ll do it for you.

Make no mistake. It’s not just about sugary drinks this week. It’s also about butter – the latest enemy of Michelle Obama, who met with the National Restaurant Association to tell them to get rid of butter and replace it with apples and carrots, urging them to “rethink the food you offer.”

You may even agree that a sugary drink ban or less cream/more apples is a good idea. If so, knock out the sugary drinks in your own home, buy fresh vegetables or order from an ever-expanding menu at many eateries, where, in addition to their typical clientele, they also cater to the diabetic or low-carb dieter. ! Want to cut down on butter? Cut down on butter. But stay out of my refrigerator, thank you. And as for you, government, you have no business trying to run the private sector.

In case you’re living in a cave, you know that there’s an election coming up in six weeks. I’d advise you to be aware of all candidates on the ballot  – from mayor and all the way up. Choose wisely and decide whether you’re as dumb as they’re making all of us out to be. I don’t think you are.

-Liz

It should go without saying that simply talking like a pirate just won’t do this day justice. Here’s what you’ll need:

• eye patch
• parrot (preferably one that talks)
• peg leg
• treasure box  (filled, of course)
• hook hand (optional)

Your greeting for the day? “Arrrgh, Matey!” Say it everywhere you go, using it in place of hello and goodbye. You could have a pirate’s feast dinner, play “Pin the Patch on the Pirate,” offering treasure from the treasure box to the winner, and watch movies like Hook and Pirates of the Caribbean.

If you really want to be the life of the party, get your pirate name. Yours truly is Slashing Ursula Bonny (nice…).

Needless to say, the possibilities are endless. I would suggest emailing Kate for additional ideas – something makes me think this holiday will be right up her galley, er, alley.

Ah, but the fun doesn’t stop there. National Punch Day is on Sept. 20, followed by Miniature Golf Day and World Gratitude Day (on the 21st), and Checkers Day and Dog in Politics Day on the 23rd. (Don’t get me started on that last one…)

While these are certainly noteworthy holidays, I call your attention to Elephant Appreciation Day, which we celebrate Sept. 23 (also my daughter’s birthday – Happy Birthday!!). Apparently, elephants are big fans of pumpkins, so I guess you could visit your local zoo bearing a pumpkin or two.

I say, instead, we remember the life – and death – of Mary the Elephant.

“Murderous Mary” as she came to be known, was the star of Sparks Circus, which had travelled to Kingsport, TN in 1916 for one of its two-bit shows. I say two-bit because Sparks Circus carried a less than stellar reputation in its day. Think flea bags and slime. Mary had a reputation, too. Some say she’d killed before. Was it one murder? Was it a dozen? No one seemed to know for sure.

All the news surrounding Mary wasn’t bad, though. Some said she could “play 25 tunes on the musical horns without missing a note”. There were stories that she was the star on the circus’ baseball game routine with a batting average of .400. Talk about your talent…

Anywho, a new handler by the name of Red Eldridge had taken said criminal to the pond for a drink after one of the performances. With all the qualifications of a janitor, one must wonder how in the world such an amateur could be put in charge of an elephant to begin with.

Nevertheless, at some point, events took a turn for the worse. Eldridge was dead. Whether Mary trampled him to death or dealt a fatal blow with the swing of her trunk is anyone’s guess at this point. Some say the murderer was bored. Others say she had an abscessed tooth or two – that she struck out in pain, with Eldridge on the receiving end, whether intentional or not.

Didn’t matter though. Mary was a killer in the eyes of the town. Even the circus owner knew no one would come to the performances with such a scoundrel as Mary in the mix.

She was a murderer. And justice was the only recourse.

The million-dollar question became how to kill her. They tried guns, which barely made a nick in her tough skin. They tried electrocution, using 44,000 volts from the railroad. They even discussed dismemberment. They could tie her to two railroad cars, then pull her in two, or tie her to the tracks and send two cars in either direction to squash her like a bug.

Believe it or not, they decided against dismemberment, labeling it too cruel.

Somewhere along the way, someone came up with the bright idea of hanging her. With details of the execution worked out, it was determined that Mary the Murderer would be hanged after the circus performance on the following day.

While the crowd was more than a little put out that she didn’t perform before her execution, they were more than satisfied with the announcement that her hanging would be a spectacle on display for everyone (I’m surprised they didn’t charge admission).

More than 2,500 people showed up that day to see Mary meet her maker, urging Mary’s executioners on with chants of,  “Kill the elephant!”

And they did. She was hanged. While I’ll spare you the details, some say she was hanged twice, because the first set of chains broke under her massive weight of  five tons.

I’m just telling you what I’ve heard.

So in celebration of Elephant Appreciation Day, perhaps you can make up your own version of what event transpired that fateful day, ultimately leading to Mary’s demise. Do the details really matter? Almost 100 years later, I’m beginning to wonder. All I know is this: in 1916 and elephant was hanged for murder in a small Tennessee town. What else is there to say?

Until next week, get your party on!

-Liz

• Take the odor out of books and photo albums that aren’t typically opened.
• Chase away ant or mice. Just place a sheet near them.
• Repel mosquitoes by tying a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop.
• Wipe your TV or computer screen with a sheet of Bounce to eliminate static electricity and keep dust from resettling on the surface.
• Clean shower doors with Bounce to dissolve soap scum. (who knew…)
• Prevent tangled thread by running a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before sewing.
• Use the dryer sheet to clean baked-on foods from pans. Place sheet in pan, fill with water, let sit overnight and sponge clean.
• Collect cat hair by rubbing the area with Bounce, which magnetically attracts stray hairs.
• Use in place of a tack cloth to wipe up sawdust from drilling, cutting or sand-papering.
• Put a sheet of Bounce in a pocket to repel yellow jackets and bees. (the bees know…)
• Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car and easily wipe off bugs.

And now you know…

-Liz

Anywho, the glasses are said to contain an “unsafe” level of cadmium, (think Miley Cyrus jewelry, also recalled recently) which could lead to God knows what sort of illness, deformation and general catastrophe. Translation: the sky is falling. Run, Forrest, Run.

Seems all-too par for the course for our “the people must live in fear” mentality used by the government and mainstream media. (Pig flu, anyone?)

Also par for the course is the fact that, once again, we only see a part of the story.

While a panicked  citizenry overloads McDonald’s website in a drastic attempt to rid themselves of the evil glasses faster than the Fairy Godmother could turn the king into a toad, you may want to take a deep breath and relax for just a moment. Here’s a snippet from the press release, issued on Mickey D’s website concerning the recall:

In collaboration with the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), and as a precautionary measure, McDonald’s USA today issued a voluntary product recall of the four Shrek Forever After™ promotional glassware currently being offered in U.S. restaurants.

To be clear, the glassware was evaluated by an independent third-party laboratory, accredited by the CPSC, and determined to be in compliance with all applicable federal and state requirements at the time of manufacture and distribution. However, in light of the CPSC’s evolving assessment of standards for consumer products, McDonald’s determined in an abundance of caution that a voluntary recall of the Shrek Forever After glassware is appropriate.

Did you see that? The blasted glasses (which, by the way, were painted by the same company that has manufactured all of McDonald’s collectors’ glasses in the past, “were determined to be in compliance with all applicable federal and state requirements at the time of manufacture and distribution.”

Then comes that next pesky little sentence with words like “evolving” and “assessment.” Translation? The glasses were voluntarily recalled because they may not measure up to CPSC’s evolving (see also: changing, not yet-to-be-determined, as in not-existent) regulations!

It’s a what-if recall… if you will. Now just so I don’t lead any of you astray, I need to point out that I’m not condoning that you continue to drink out of these glasses. I’m simply saying don’t panic. And don’t make rash decisions based on the fear factor. Put the glasses up for a while, get your money back or shatter (gasp!) Shrek. I really don’t care. Which is part of the beauty of this whole story. As long as you have the facts, as in all of the facts, I believe you people are capable of making your own informed choices.

You’re also on your own to determine who the real ogres are: Shrek and Fiona? Cadmium? Or the CPSC’s non-existent standards. I’m just sayin’.

-Liz

It seems as if several states, who decided to bridge their budget deficit with candy and soda taxes have run into a sticky situation, if you will (think taffy or melty, gooey caramel).

Apparently, there’s some question as to what candy is actually candy and what candy is, well, not. Seems similar to the now-infamous “depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is,” debacle.

Here are a few cases in point, beginning with the state of Washington, where a new candy tax has taken effect. Buy a Butterfinger, pay the tax. Buy a Kit-Kat, and pay only for the candy bar – no excise tax applies. Why? Because unlike the Butterfinger, Kit-Kats contain flour.

Colorado doesn’t tax Kit-Kats, either. But it does tax Twix bars. Unfortunately for Illinois residents, their legislators remain on the fence where taxing Twix bars are concerned, on the basis that they contain both flour and peanut butter.

To make matters even more confusing, New Mexico almost levied a tax on flour tortillas – not corn or whole wheat. That stellar idea was vetoed in short order, though.

Believe it or not, these candy and soda laws have been passed or proposed in more than a dozen states.

Which reminds me of comedian extraordinaire, Bill Cosby, who lamented that since chocolate cake contains wheat, milk and eggs, it is fair game for breakfast. Following his lead, might I suggest you review the ingredients in your favorite candy…

-Liz

Enter today’s rant, somewhere in Massachusetts, where a man allegedly offered to swap his 3-month-old daughter for beer. Or maybe it was crack cocaine. Police can’t be entirely certain at this point.

Apparently, this dad of the year if you live on “Planet All the World’s an Idiot” had left his motel room/home with his girlfriend and daughter to visit the convenience store next door, where he approached the gas station’s maintenance man.

The report goes on to say that this “dad” even went so far as to place the baby in the back of the maintenance man’s truck as he made the offer: A baby for two 40s.

As one might imagine, the maintenance guy called police, who found the creep and baby hiding behind a trashcan. The baby was taken into custody by child welfare folks.

While police initially said that a 40 is a 40-ounce beer, they later added it’s also slang for crack cocaine. So they’re unsure which the dad was asking for. Was it beer? Was it cocaine?

Here’s my question: Do you really think it matters?

-Liz