Here’s the story of “On the news, a family dies…”

Two years ago we took our whole family (9 of us all together – 7 kids, 2 adults) to Bison Ranch, Arizona for vacation.  One afternoon we drove to a nearby mountain to go on a hike to a beautiful vista that promised us an amazing view.  It was hot but overcast, which was nice so the temps would stay down.  We parked in a lot and set off on the paved hiking trail, ready for fun and adventure.  As we hiked, the sky darkened, but we were determined to get to the vista, and pressed on.  The sky got even darker and soon we felt the rumble of thunder and saw some distant flashes of lightning.

We were almost there.  Go forward?  Head back?  What to do?  As we were standing there trying to decide, a bolt of lightning struck the ground right in front of us, and to say we were scared would be a slight understatement. We decided the fastest way to get back  to the saftey of our rubber tired car, was to send my husband and 17-year old back for the car (the trail was right next to the road) and the rest of us would try to find a low lying ditch to take cover in until the cavalry arrived.

Those of us left behind to cower in the dirt, tried to keep ourselves distracted by taking turns telling  funny jokes  and stories. Finally,  it’s my 7-year-old son’s turn.  He gets a serious look, and in his deepest newscaster voice says,

“On the news, a family dies…”

He caught us completely off guard and for about 2 seconds we were shocked, but then we all burst into laughter and it was the best distraction of them all.

At the risk of making my family sound like a  bunch of complete idiots, here are a few of my fav vacation quotes:

If those were my kids, I’d drop them off at jail.

Native American?  You mean black?

You know how some people smell like horse poop?  They were those.

Mom, please help me not to spend money!  I don’t care if I cry!

We just got punked by Disneyland.  Where’s Ashton?

I smelled that on the internet.

My life is a workout.  I do crunches while I walk.

It kind of smells like a book…or a fart…I’m not sure which.

I talk so fast that I say what I’m gonna say before I say it.

What’s Disneyland’s policy on public urination?

Do ribs have bones?

I have cheeto ashes up my nose.

Mom, can you shut your crack-heads up cause if they turn the speakers up any louder the crap’s gonna blow.

Let’s play the Chinese name game…I’ll be Pablo.

Living with my family is like living with a pack of wolves.

Arizona makes me fart.

This is an emergency…I’m growing a mullet.

Mother!  Don’t use appropriate language in this car!

Ever since I got these moccasins, I’m a sex symbol.

Smell my underwear.  They’re delicious.

Hope you enjoyed these ridiculous quotes.  Maybe you’ll be inspired to start your own family quote book.

~Kate is currently on vacation hopefully adding more memories and quotes to the book.

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

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Guys, do you believe in the vacation fairy?  You must, right?  What other explanation could there possibly be for magically getting from point A, where you pick your vacation destination, to point B, actually arriving at said destination with everything you need for an enjoyable, stress-free trip?

That’s all it takes, right?  Just pick a location, drive  there, and relax and have fun.  No worries, the Vacation Fairy will do the rest.

Here’s the typical scenario.

In March, wife says to husband: Where should we go on vacation this year?

Husband says to wife: How about a fun trip to California; maybe Disneyland, Universal Studios and the beach.

Wife and husband then proceed to pick a date for the middle of July (for argument’s sake, let’s pick July 16)

The morning of July 15 arrives (22 hours before departure) and husband says to wife: Wow! Vacation is tomorrow. That just snuck right up on me.   I guess we need to start packing and plan out our trip. And by “we” we all know he does not actually mean “we”, he means anyone but himself.  (Men, I freely admit that I’m generalizing here.  If you don’t fit within the 98 % of the male population to which I am speaking, feel free to quit reading and go get yourself a snack…maybe one of those DingDongs Liz is so fond of.)

All I have to say is, “Thank goodness for the Vacation Fairy.”  Who else would wash the mounds of laundry and neatly pack it up in suitcases without forgetting to add the swim suits, beach towels, sunscreen and flip flops?  Who else would make sure the papers are all cleared from the driveway and the junk mail is not over-flowing the mailbox in your absence?  And what about an itinerary for the trip, places to stay, sites to see and snacks for along the way?  And the pets…thank goodness the Vacation Fairy feeds and waters those pets, and lets them out to do their business while you’re away.

(The whole fam plus 4 extras who tagged along on the vacation…well, except for me – someone has to shoot the pic.)

And when you return from your glorious, relaxing break from the humdrum routine of life, the best part of all is that your under-appreciated, and often un-noticed Vacation Fairy just waves her magic wand and all traces of  the trip just disappear. (You know – unpacking suitcases, washing dirty clothes, cleaning smashed cracker crumbs out of  the crevasses of the car…you get the gist here)

So guys, pardon me if my post is a bit shorter than usual today.  I’m going on vacation on Saturday.  I’ve got to go stretch out on my sofa, read a juicy novel, drink lemonade and eat some bon bons  while my Vacation Fairy gets us ready for the trip!

~Kate

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

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Okay, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration. They didn’t exactly eat the whole couch, but they might as well have. There is now a dinner plate-sized hole in the back cushion of my living room couch. When they decided to go on the prowl for a midnight snack  last night , they couldn’t have chosen to munch on my old,  black velvet couch in the basement…nope, they decided, instead, to snack on my nice, new tan leather couch which sits prominently in my living room. In fact, it’s the first thing you see when you come into my house. Geez.

Maybe now is a good time to give you some back story here. I have two big dogs. I never intended on having two big dogs. That sort of thing just sneaks up on you somehow.  When we had to put our little dog, Cinnamon, to sleep last year, I decided it was a good time to make our home a dog-free zone for a while. Then my daughter, Hannah, got a dog from the pound as a gift to give to her boyfriend. Turns out, the boyfriends parents were also attempting to make their house a dog free zone, and since I am easily the biggest push over around, well, his dog came to live with us. It was okay though, she was a well behaved, good dog.  Until she got pregnant and had 8 (yes – EIGHT! puppies) We decided to keep one of them because they were just so darn cute. When you already have dog, what’s one more, right?  (Wow! Maybe it’s that kind of thinking that caused me to end up with 7 kids.)  Here’s the thing, when you have 9 people in your family, the chances of coming to a unanimous decision on anything is nearly impossible.  We were torn between two of the puppies, and soon my family fell in love with both of them.  And this is  how I came to have two big dogs (and their mother) living in my dog-free zone.  Two dogs, mind you, that have eaten more than their fair share of flip flops and forgotten Happy Meal toys.

So…back to the story…I woke up this morning, just like every other morning, to make my husband a lunch to take to work.  I went into the kitchen and the dogs were cowering under the table – never a good sign. I went to investigate and when I got to the living room,  I saw a sight which struck terror into my heart.  The floor was covered in white fluff, so much white fluff that it looked like snow covering the floor, all  around the couch.  I knew this was going to be bad.  And there it was, a huge gaping hole in my leather couch.

Let me just tell you at this point in the story, my husband is not exactly a dog lover.  He is barely a dog-putter-upper-wither.  You should know this, as I will use this in my defense later in this story.

I knew that if I wanted the dogs to live through the day, I was going to have to take quick action.  I scooped up the fluff,  stuffed it back into the hole in the couch, grabbed a blanket and threw it over the back of the couch, hoping my husband wouldn’t notice as he passed by the living room on his way out the door to work.  I prefer not to think of this as lying, but as more of an act of mercy…an attempt to keep the dogs alive, if you will.

Well, I have now spent a good portion of the day trying to repair the couch, before you-know-who gets home from work.  I cut a piece of leather out of  the bottom of one of the seat cushions, and have sewn it into the hole.  It looks okay really, it you turn off the lights and close the curtains.  Perhaps tonight would be a good night to go out to dinner and a late movie, preferably one that gets out after dark.  Geez.

~Kate

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

Want to submit your own story to be considered for the Guest Headline post to run on Friday’s????  Just send your story to: lizandkate@live.com and check back on Friday to see if your story was selected.